Y'know, something that is a big issue of mine and that I really feel like I need to talk about it, get it off my chest or I won't be able to move on, is body confidence. And how I didn't have any up until this month.
Nineteen years I've been living with the hatred I harbour for what I look like.
Everywhere you turn these days are promotions and campaigns, trying to get women to realise that they're beautiful no matter what shape or size. But the reality is we'll always have that niggling doubt, that something about us that we wish we could change. And I think that's alright. It's human for us to have our dislikes about pieces of us. But what I'm talking about is the dislike, the downright disgust at everything. Every part of you body. Because that's what I've been dealing with. Every single day for most of my teenage life I've hated myself. I hated going out, I hated having to dress up for occasions because I hated how I looked. I stayed away from photographs because I didn't want to have to look at myself afterwards. I was a trainwreck. I did try to combat it. I stopped eating for a while. There was one year in particular that, in terms of health, I would have been in the bad books. I ate one meal a day, if that. Don't get me wrong I never did anything drastic, but I contemplated it. I was a mess. I didn't enjoy my life from when I was about seventeen onward. I was constantly worrying about how I looked, and what people would think when they saw me. Especially when with my friends.
Being completely honest, there were times, during the worst of it, when I hated being friends with them.
Simple reason being jealousy.
My best friend, in my eyes, was absolutely beautiful and I felt like trash every time I thought about it. All my friends were able to get on with life. Dress up, go out, go shopping. Me, I despised all that. I'd catch a glimpse of myself in the mirrors in the pub and all of a sudden I'd want to leave. I'd be fed up of the night. Because of my own reflection. It's a horrible thing to go through. But the worst part about it is, you feel completely alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. I brushed off any problems, covering it up. And it was the wrong thing to do. I realise now that I should have faced up to it sooner. But I didn't. I let it run on. I let it eat me up inside. I would envision all the possibilities to try and get the "perfect look" I dreamed of. But that only led to more heartbreak, because my mind fed me the idea that I can never be that way. I can never achieve a body like the ones I love. I can never shift the parts of me I hate. That they were there to stay. I ended up hating myself even more than I already did.
Hating yourself can be a dark road to venture down however. There were times back then that I would never ever wish to relive. Because your mind can twist everything so badly that you end up thinking in the worst way possible. You lose sight of the things that matter, the people that matter. Your focus becomes what's eating away at you.
Over Christmas this year, something seemed to click however. It was like the machine in my head did a U-turn. I didn't feel as bad about myself, occasionally feeling quite happy. Content with how I was. And it seems to be getting better rather than worse. I don't know if it's just me positive thinking. I even went shopping in the New Year and actually came back with more than two items. Which is a breakthrough in my eyes. Since starting work I've begun to take loads of things into consideration. The fact that as the days get better, I'll be walking to and from work, and that's a help. That maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. I still have days though, where I want to do nothing more then have that "perfect body" but I'm coming to terms wit the fact that I'm never going to have it completely. Ever. I can try and I can become happy but at the end of the day it's never going to be the perfection I strive for. That's more of a natural occurrence thing, which has passed me by big-time. Something genetic even. Either way I've accepted it.
But I can still hope.
Stace
Xo
No comments:
Post a Comment