Lately I've been thinking a lot. And I mean a LOT!
Subconciously I think my head is trying to tell me something but to be honest I'm not really sure what it is. One thing is for certain I realise, I don't say much. Not as in talking day-to-day. I can talk pretty well when I want. But when it comes to my opinions on all sorts of topics, from the weather to what I want to do in life, I become mute. I prefer to keep what I think to myself. Maybe it's a bad way to be. Who can really say? You hear all these quotes about "bottling it up means it'll come out eventually" Yeah, well my bottle is becoming real full and any time now I sense an overflow about to hit the countertop that represents my life.
But thinking, now that I can do. And do well. Maybe too well.
I overthink things to the point where they become so messed up in my head, that I can't figure out how to get them out without going through a stage of overkill. Something happens or something I've planned to do will pop p in my head, normally around the time I head to bed. That is the singular moment where everything just hits you, isn't it. You start hating yourself, you start questioning your choices and direction. You even start to weep sometimes. (Weep, that is a reall odd word now that I think about it!) And all because our brains start to spill everything we worry about and everything we care about into the one bowl and it becomes lodged there and just turns into one big mess. I question why this little trait was ever given to us in the first place. And if you don't suffer from it, well good for you! You've escaped something that's unpleasant to put it kindly.
Recently however, my thoughts have been more whimsical than usual. The normally, dark, good for nothing ones have been pushed aside and instead they've been more, you could say positive. However, I'd be more inclined to say creative. All I can think about these days is getting something finished, writing-wise I mean. I just really want to finish my first draft. I've had this idea swirling around up there for ages. Ask anyone, one of my closest girls, Danielle, will tell you exactly what I'm like. I am constantly writing and searching for the right characters, storylines, base plots, everything. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and yet, nowadays I feel like it's within reach, I'm just not quite tall enough yet. Someday I will be. You can count on that. I will be that apple picker who is sent to the topmost branches of the tree to pick the best fruit. I will get my book written. Published? With a lot of luck maybe. I jus need to really focus on getting it out of me first and have the thing slot together as I move forward.
The future is something I want to embrace yet can't really seem to right now. I feel like I don't know where I'm headed even though I have a rough sketch of where I'd like to be years from now. Except everything I've done toward it has been pushed aside and had to be reconsidered. Don't you just hate that. When you think it's all going well and you're excited and then the world just throws change in your face that's so unexpected and not really looked for. Yeah that sort. Sometimes I wish my life could come with a rose-tinted cover or one of those effects you can choose on Instagram that makes the photo all appealing and ethereal looking. Alas, it's life not an application we're living in. Too bad.
So here's to weaving my own rosetinted cover for my future, or at least a pair of sunglasses to help with the down times. Maybe it'll all work out, but I'm going to have to put my 2cents in first.
How's your futures? Rosetinted or just plain plexi-glassed? And how do you plan to move forward?
