So I have set myself a goal. It's rather ambitious if I do say so. Ambitious yet achievable if I really want it. That goal is that by 2015 I will have visited the United States of America.
Call me crazy but I'm sick of waiting around feeling like nothing is happening for me and being stuck in Ireland is quite the pitfall in all of this. I've set myself this goal because who knows, maybe I might actually push myself to go for something I really want for once in my life. And that's the truth of it.

My ultimate goal is getting to live there, somehow. My preferred choice would be California but I think that's where everybody wants to be but no one actually gives a valid reason. Most of the reasons I've heard involve sun and celebrities. But what about everything else? What about the interesting and unique people you could meet there?


 What about the landscape and scenery, it's such a beautiful part of this globe and all people want to do is go there and celbe hunt, what gives? I've been dreaming of this since I was about six years old and honestly have no intention of ever giving it up. Even if it's just a visit I get, I'll make sure it's not a one time thing because how could you? I think if I ever somehow got there I'd never want to leave again. Ever.

So 2015 is my date as of now. It's the year I turn 21 and that's a big milestone for me, for anyone really. And I can't imagine waiting any longer to fulfil this goal of mine. So I will begin saving this year and hopefully by the time sumer of 2015 rolls around I'll have enough to jet off to my second home (or so it feels like). I could die happily then. No joke.
I would be quite happy with all I'd achieved if I had had the chance to visit California because that's all I've ever wanted out of life. A pretty simple wish, people fly back and forth across the globe every day, every hour, it shouldn't be as hard as it seems to me right about now. And that's a concept I can't seem to shake off.

I know I'm somewhat plodding along with everything I'm doing but I've never been so sure of something in my life, then I am about getting to America.

So here's to saving and scrounging and hopefully, to a summer 2015 to remember forever.

stace
xo

 

Honesty Hour. Getting It Out.

Y'know, something that is a big issue of mine and that I really feel like I need to talk about it, get it off my chest or I won't be able to move on, is body confidence. And how I didn't have any up until this month. 
Nineteen years I've been living with the hatred I harbour for what I look like.
Everywhere you turn these days are promotions and campaigns, trying to get women to realise that they're beautiful no matter what shape or size. But the reality is we'll always have that niggling doubt, that something about us that we wish we could change. And I think that's alright. It's human for us to have our dislikes about pieces of us. But what I'm talking about is the dislike, the downright disgust at everything. Every part of you body. Because that's what I've been dealing with. Every single day for most of my teenage life I've hated myself. I hated going out, I hated having to dress up for occasions because I hated how I looked. I stayed away from photographs because I didn't want to have to look at myself afterwards. I was a trainwreck. I did try to combat it. I stopped eating for a while. There was one year in particular that, in terms of health, I would have been in the bad books. I ate one meal a day, if that. Don't get me wrong I never did anything drastic, but I contemplated it. I was a mess. I didn't enjoy my life from when I was about seventeen onward. I was constantly worrying about how I looked, and what people would think when they saw me. Especially when with my friends.
Being completely honest, there were times, during the worst of it, when I hated being friends with them.
Simple reason being jealousy.
My best friend, in my eyes, was absolutely beautiful and I felt like trash every time I thought about it. All my friends were able to get on with life. Dress up, go out, go shopping. Me, I despised all that. I'd catch a glimpse of myself in the mirrors in the pub and all of a sudden I'd want to leave. I'd be fed up of the night. Because of my own reflection. It's a horrible thing to go through. But the worst part about it is, you feel completely alone. I couldn't tell anyone how I felt. I brushed off any problems, covering it up. And it was the wrong thing to do. I realise now that I should have faced up to it sooner. But I didn't. I let it run on.  I let it eat me up inside. I would envision all the possibilities to try and get the "perfect look" I dreamed of. But that only led to more heartbreak, because my mind fed me the idea that I can never be that way. I can never achieve a body like the ones I love. I can never shift the parts of me I hate. That they were there to stay. I ended up hating myself even more than I already did. 
Hating yourself can be a dark road to venture down however. There were times back then that I would never ever wish to relive. Because your mind can twist everything so badly that you end up thinking in the worst way possible. You lose sight of the things that matter, the people that matter. Your focus becomes what's eating away at you. 

Over Christmas this year, something seemed to click however. It was like the machine in my head did a U-turn. I didn't feel as bad about myself, occasionally feeling quite happy. Content with how I was. And it seems to be getting better rather than worse. I don't know if it's just me positive thinking. I even went shopping in the New Year and actually came back with more than two items. Which is a breakthrough in my eyes. Since starting work I've begun to take loads of things into consideration. The fact that as the days get better, I'll be walking to and from work, and that's a help. That maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. I still have days though, where I want to do nothing more then have that "perfect body" but I'm coming to terms wit the fact that I'm never going to have it completely. Ever. I can try and I can become happy but at the end of the day it's never going to be the perfection I strive for.  That's more of a natural occurrence thing, which has passed me by big-time. Something genetic even. Either way I've accepted it. 

But I can still hope. 

Stace
Xo

Fog City, The Rain, A Summary of Sorts



I've got a thing for when it rains. 

"Some people feel the rain.Others just get wet."

Bob Marley 

There's just something abut when it's bucketing down outside and I'm all tucked up inside. Be it on the couch or in bed, wherever. It's just peaceful to listen to the rain pattering against the windows and doors. This fascination has been with me for years and I can never really tell you where it came from, because I don't know myself. Especially the massive Thunder Showers you get sometimes. When there's just been a storm of sorts and the torrential rain pours from the sky like someone turned a tap onto full power. Either that kind or the misty kind. When it's deceiving. You think it's only a light drizzle that's shrouding the area in a sheer mist. But in actual fact, walk through it for even a second and your soaked through. Those are the best sorts of rain. Don't get me wrong, there's also nothing like a crisp Autumn morning with the last breath of morning's fog. I just prefer rain overall. But everyone has their own little things that are special to them. Some people like the wind, others love when it's so hot outside the pavement is even boiling. Me, I'm sticking with the rain thanks.

Now loving rain is one thing, but what I find about most people is they say they love the rain, but they'll never venture out into it. "Oh I couldn't, I'd catch a cold and be dying for days" One such excuse heard often. And I absolutely hate that phrase. Or anyone saying there's no point in going out because it's raining. What can it actually do to you? Besides possibly soak your hair and clothes. Nothing.

It's not like it's going to poison you.

Me,  I'm perfectly happy to walk out, sans umbrella into a downpour. There's nothing more exhilarating.

I'm one of those people who wants a house (not for another few years) in which I can install some makeshift conservatory thing with a galvanised roof. The rain is never as loud or as beautiful as when it's hitting off that. I know from experience.

I found the following lines on Tumblr and felt they needed to be added here in connection with my rain talk:

"When rain sweeps through, On a cold night like this, All the jewels in the world

Cannot match this bliss.

Nothing melts helplessness Like staring out into the  barren, black, rainy, wet night

That sooner hugs you than hurts."

San Francisco/Paris/New York City 

"We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls."

"Travel, in the younger sort, is a part of education; in the elder, a part of experience."

Something also want to share my love of, is the want to travel. You always hear tell of people who have Wanderlust, well it just so happens I have it. More importantly I have it in regards to traveling to the United States. No matter what goes on their politically/socially/etc, it is still, in my opinion one of the most beautiful places on earth. Just think of Yosemite, The Grand Canyon, Denali, Piscataquis, all beautiful places of natural wonder. For the last couple of years Ihave badly wanted to move to the U.S. Especially San Francisco. Fog City. I think it is wondrous. And I really want to live there. But lately I've also found myself wanting to experience NYC. Besides these two frontrunners, Alaska is high up on my must-visit list for the States. As well as completing route 66. All on my 'bucket list' so to speak.  As evident with my rain fascination, I can't really say as to how my want to go to the U.S.A so bad grew. All I know is it's there and I will get there someday. I've begun my saving for the travel already. Here's hoping.

Also recently I have developed a want to see Paris and take in as much of the city as I possiby can. Which is strange because I've never really been that interested in the place before. I don't know is it an age thing or what, but Paris has been added to my list of must-see destinations. And as far as I'm concerned, it's doable.

Stacey

xXx

Saying Little, Thinking Much, Futures and Instagram effects. What could I posibly mean by all that?

Lately I've been thinking a lot. And I mean a LOT!
Subconciously I think my head is trying to tell me something but to be honest I'm not really sure what it is. One thing is for certain I realise, I don't say much. Not as in talking day-to-day. I can talk pretty well when I want. But when it comes to my opinions on all sorts of topics, from the weather to what I want to do in life, I become mute. I prefer to keep what I think to myself. Maybe it's a bad way to be. Who can really say? You hear all these quotes about "bottling it up means it'll come out eventually" Yeah, well my bottle is becoming real full and any time now I sense an overflow about to hit the countertop that represents my life.
But thinking, now that I can do. And do well. Maybe too well.
I overthink things to the point where they become so messed up in my head, that I can't figure out how to get them out without going through a stage of overkill. Something happens or something I've planned to do will pop p in my head, normally around the time I head to bed. That is the singular moment where everything just hits you, isn't it. You start hating yourself, you start questioning your choices and direction. You even start to weep sometimes. (Weep, that is a reall odd word now that I think about it!) And all because our brains start to spill everything we worry about and everything we care about into the one bowl and it becomes lodged there and just turns into one big mess. I question why this little trait was ever given to us in the first place. And if you don't suffer from it, well good for you! You've escaped something that's unpleasant to put it kindly.
Recently however, my thoughts have been more whimsical than usual. The normally, dark, good for nothing ones have been pushed aside and instead they've been more, you could say positive. However, I'd be more inclined to say creative. All I can think about these days is getting something finished, writing-wise I mean. I just really want to finish my first draft. I've had this idea swirling around up there for ages. Ask anyone, one of my closest girls, Danielle, will tell you exactly what I'm like. I am constantly writing and searching for the right characters, storylines, base plots, everything. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and yet, nowadays I feel like it's within reach, I'm just not quite tall enough yet. Someday I will be. You can count on that. I will be that apple picker who is sent to the topmost branches of the tree to pick the best fruit. I will get my book written. Published? With a lot of luck maybe. I jus need to really focus on getting it out of me first and have the thing slot together as I move forward.
The future is something I want to embrace yet can't really seem to right now. I feel like I don't know where I'm headed even though I have a rough sketch of where I'd like to be years from now. Except everything I've done toward it has been pushed aside and had to be reconsidered. Don't you just hate that. When you think it's all going well and you're excited and then the world just throws change in your face that's so unexpected and not really looked for. Yeah that sort. Sometimes I wish my life could come with a rose-tinted cover or one of those effects you can choose on Instagram that makes the photo all appealing and ethereal looking. Alas, it's life not an application we're living in. Too bad.
So here's to weaving my own rosetinted cover for my future, or at least a pair of sunglasses to help with the down times. Maybe it'll all work out, but I'm going to have to put my 2cents in first.

How's your futures? Rosetinted or just plain plexi-glassed? And how do you plan to move forward?

Sometimes Our Tears Could Rival Victoria Falls

Have you ever felt like a waterfall?
Not literally. Mentally.
it sounds like such a wacked feeling but it happens. When something goes off around you that you couldn't control, something that sends your mind into relapse. You feel like everyone around you at that point is conspiring against you. That hate fills these people, and it's geared towards you. You get the impulse to look away from the menacing feelings. Then you turn into this mental waterfall.
You feel the pinpricks of tears , like raindrops hitting the river, and you leave. You camp out alone somewhere like your bedroom, like the middle of a forest amidst high redwoods, and you cry your eyes out. The rushing water of tears, flowing like the H20 that rushes off Niagara.
The waterfall in your mind of high emotions is falling freely, and at this point, you feel like you can't stop. The tears keep coming.
Then the pain.
Your eyes, nose, stomach, your chest, your entire being starts to hurt from mental exhaustion as well as the physical ill feeling you are experiencing. Following the pain comes the sting. Your eys burn because the moisture your tear ducts held has dryed up. You've used your tears.  It hurts to move them around.
You want to clean then. You long for the cleansing that you hope will make you feel better. It's no surprise that your make-up, if you were wearing any, is now smudged and smeared across your cheeks, and your entire face is probably puffed up and red. Red raw. So you wash.
Your hands, your face, your teeth.
Trying to get the feeling of emotional pain off and out of yourself. Yet it lingers there. It stays on, like the remnants of a night out's perfume because you had fallen asleep in the clothes it inhabited. It stays on because it has one final step.
The fear.
The nauseating fear that comes after, when you think about what comes next. You feel the need to throw up. You can't. Your stomach turns and you're feeling shit at this unpredictable fortune heading your way. Eventually the feeling passes, because your emotions are back in general order and your body decides it wants to co-operate again. You go calm then.  Like a chill out time except you're not sure what from. It just comes on suddenly and your being plays along.
I guess this whole process really isn't like a waterfall. but you could contrast it to a waterfall.  The water rushes along and falls off the edge with deafening roars and other likewise sounds. The rush of emotions holds a sliver of an echo for these words. You feel the effects.
You are the waterfall, for that brief period of time.
That's what it feels like to me. Like everything just bursts and I'm helpless to stop it.
It's not a nice feeling. In fact, it's far from pleasant.
Yet here I am.

Looking forward. Thinking Back.

 

I've reached a point in my life where decisions for the future are becoming prominent.
I've only got a month and a half left in secondary school and then it's basically all down to me, how I continue my life. It's pretty scary thinking about the future from where I'm at now. I feel like if I make a mistake in my choices, everything is going to just turn out crap.

When you're younger, the future always looks so bright. Remember that feeling, of being seven or eight and being asked what you wanted to be in the future. The incongruous ideas people had at that age. Astronauts, Wizards, Superheroes, etc. Not just those nonsensical future plans but the fact that, at the time, they seemed genuine possibilities. When do we lose that imaginative part of our planning? At what point exactly do we go through the transition of forgetting our biggest childhood dreams, and become the cynical students who want nothing more than the points to get that college course? It's understandable of course, that some people actually truely want to achieve their desired career paths. I just think people have lost sight of how life should be about embracing what you love and going for that which veraciously makes you happy. 

I've noticed a pattern in students, in my year for one. They want to become teachers, doctors, vets, beauticians, and so on. But I wonder if you asked them, if there was one thing you could do with your life, anything at all, what would it be? How many of them would actually say the career they've chosen to study?
It's my opinion that people have forgotten how to live. Nowadays, you see people's ambitions going as far as getting into college, getting a well-paid job, settling down, having kids. What happened to good old fashioned dreaming? Going out into the world with the intent to just live, embrace the moment. Live for yourself. Why do we have to conform to these trivial, everyday activities. How about trying something new everyday. It doesn't even have to be something monumental. it could be as easy as, changing the menu of your meals. At least you're experiencing something new. How about travelling? Getting to know the world you live in and not just the town or city you grew up in. There is so many places out there that are just waiting. 

Hats off to the people that are doing just that. Living for themselves. Not for a career. Or for a family.
It's not that they can't be involved. It's just people depend on them so much nowadays. It's bizarre.
All I know is, I want to just experience the world. I don't want to tie myself down and be stuck in this town for the rest of my life. I have dreams and ambitions of my own. They might seem whimsical and slightly out of reach but why not try?
That's what counts. Trying. 

So I can't say my decisions for the future will be all the right ones, or that they'll all work out. I can't know that I'm going to choose the right road to venture down. I can't assure myself on anything like that. But I'd like, in ten years time to look back and be able to say at least I did it. I took the chances. I got out there.
So here's to the future.